Wednesday, November 21, 2007

If we are so much in Love, then why aren't we Happy?

Although right now I’m completely off books, the last book which I was reading was “If we are so much in Love, Why aren’t we Happy?”. The first thing you would think, or everybody would think when they find me reading this book is -- am I not happy? I am Happy, very Happy. I have every reason to be happy, but when sometimes silly things lead to heated arguments, when stupid questions lead to bigger questions, when something unwarranted slips out of your mind and you regret never to have said that, when you say so many things without thinking; you realize are we giving too much importance to smaller and unimportant things?

I picked up this book because I genuinely wanted to know, where are we wrong? Why we end up arguing without wanting to do so? I have read a couple of pages and one thing which has come out very strongly is, we are wrong when we start expecting others to change. The first thing which we should accept is nobody and nothing is going to change, if we are looking at change, we should step towards changing ourselves. It also says that loving somebody should be spiritual and not transactional. When we say – “I love you”, it actually means I love you irrespective of what you do, but what we actually end up doing is that “I love you and you should also love me”. The book tells you to let the other person be himself and do what he/she wants to do. It tells you to take this experiment and not try to change the other person but bring that change in yourself. Do not love other person expecting that he should do what you like him to do. Yeah, it is very easy in theory and equally difficult in practice, because we are so used to it.

Even before reading this book, I used to think why we start imposing “Dos” and “Don’ts” to other people? Letting other people be themselves is the greatest form of love. Do you understand what you are giving him by doing that? You are giving him the freedom to enjoy life as he wants to. And why not? Love should be liberating!

The book says it is difficult to do that in the beginning but once you get used to it, it gives an unmatched joy to you as well. The fact that you are a source of unconditional love to somebody is in itself very blissful and beautiful.

It is not our fault. The problem is we have always been conditioned to consider everything as transactional, and we have never known any other way. Look at us, even when we pray we silently tell God, please give me a job and I’ll give you 100 coconuts! And we assume this is the right way! It is just one way; there could be other ways as well. Needless to say, we are transactional in all our relationships.

The book also says that it is not necessary that both people needs to do certain things to make a relationship work. This experiment requires only one person to start loving the other person spiritually. If both people are doing that, it is an ideal situation but even one person can bring a lot of change in a relationship.

I would love to try that and I think it would be the greatest gift to anybody that one can give, that you love him unconditionally.

Friday, November 16, 2007


I read these beautiful lines somewhere. In my opinion, nothing describes the essence of Marriage more beautifully.

She is Language, He is Thought.
He is Reason, She is Sense.
She is Will, He is Wish.
He is Song, She is Note.
She is Motion, He is Wind.
He is Battle, She is Might.
She is Beauty, He is Strength.
He is Lamp, She is Light.
She is Body, He is Soul.
He is Day, She is Night.

(translated from Vishnu Purana)

At the Crossroads

I never really knew that so many people enjoy my Blog. That gives me a high. Really! If I have ever wanted to do something, I have wanted to write well, and to be appreciated for that is the icing on the cake.

Well, now that the cat is already out, one of the most special moments of my life is about to come – I’m getting married! It has still not gotten inside. I haven’t really thought about it, in the hustle and bustle of preparations.

I just wonder what life will be after marriage! No matter how much I try to think that nothing would change really but it is slowly seeping in that there would be a sea of change. Imagine not being able to run to your mum for everything you need to know, right from a recipe to worldly sophistication. Imagine not being able to call up your dad to ask favours, right from organizing your financial commitments to his advice on everything. Imagine not being able to run to your brother for every small or big problem, right from a railway reservation not confirmed to investments not done. Imagine being separated from your entire life and whatever you have nurtured till now. Imagine not being able to have any claim on what you have treasured for your entire life.

I never thought this is going to be so difficult. I am out of home since last 8 years. I never thought it would hurt so much to leave this time. I have never cried while leaving home, but this time it is going to be really bad. I hate the ambiguity of this situation. It is a momentous occasion that I’m marrying the person I want to marry but it is going to be immensely painful to leave the people I was born to.

Although I avoid thinking too much, try to be busy in the work that has to be done; but in those odd moments when it crosses my mind—even for a wink of a moment—I feel that heaviness in my heart. I think about mum, the hundreds of arguments, childish temperaments, odd comments; I regret them all. For I am what I am because of her. I have always done what I wanted to do, I have been extremely stubborn. But if I am educated, if I am qualified enough to be able to stand tall, feel proud about myself; it is only because of her. In fact, so many times I feel I behave like my mum. All my life I have never really listened to her, but being her daughter, I have imbibed so many of her habits and mannerisms. And today, I have no words to thank her for bringing me up the way she has. I am indebted for life.

Although I think I’m closer to mum, all girls are, but dad has always pampered me to the hilt. Right from the time when as a 5-year old and I declined to leave a toy store, since a telephone had caught my fancy. I realize how embarrassing it must have been for him, but he bought me that. It was an expensive toy at that time, still he gave me the joy of owning it. I still smile when I think about his advice on all my journeys alone. He would never fail to say all those words again and again, never forgetting a thing – “Do not get out of train. Do not take your hands out of the window. Do not leave your seat. Do not eat anything which your co-passengers will offer, no matter how friendly they seem. Go safely and eat well. Do you need money?”

What makes my dad special? The fact that he thinks the world is a good place and everyone is a good human being. Do good and you will get only good. And the fact that he has been a great dad. Right now, I can recall another embarrassing situation from my childhood. We had been to a sports store to buy shoes for my brother and much to my parents’ dismay; I had just acquired a fancy towards skating. And I decided that I am not leaving the store without getting a pair of skates. I feel foolish today and sad, how much I was pampered. A child is a child. It would fancy a thing this day and tomorrow it would be gone. Despite knowing this, my dad gave me everything I fancied. Even on this day, my parents have given in to my wish. I have absolutely no word to say Thank you, I would never have, there can never be a word to thank your parents. Isn’t it?

My Brother! My Bhaiya! I don’t know if God can ever make anybody as good again. He is a big brother in every sense. We have several funny and memorable instances from childhood, which I would treasure for the rest of my life. He was a brat in school. I was the coy one. After school, he would run away to play cricket or football, and give me his school bag to carry home (poor me!). I remember hundreds of those afternoons, when I was forced to bowl to him (he was a budding Sachin at that time) and tasting the horror of his culinary skills when mum used to be out. I remember hundreds of stories that he would tell me to fool me. But they all seem unimportant, insignificant and immaterial in front of the unquestioned and unconditional love and dependability he has given me in all these years. I cannot think of one word which will define what he means to me. A mentor, a friend, an idol, a parent, a confidante, a supporter, a guide—he has been all these to me and much, much more. I am an embodiment of his confidence. He has always been an inspiration and constant source of motivation for me. I just have to listen to him for a while to get back and get going. His energy is infectious. He is a person who can claim a room; he makes an impression wherever he goes. In fact, it seems so strange but I have picked up so many of his habits, may be because I always looked up to him while growing up. He used to have this habit of carrying several books with him whether he reads them or not. Same with me. My logic is what if I wanted to read this book and not that. So I eventually end up carrying 6-7 books on a week’s trip. He has this habit of buying a lot of books. He has subscribed to several magazines, which he keeps piling and saving to read one day! Well, you have got to come to my place to see that your self. I have only books and magazines in every corner of my house and I am never ready to part with any of them. The thing is I feel I should know about SEZ, Economic policies, what happened to P-Notes, latest trends in Fashion, Make up, politics, India’s relations with Pakistan, Russia, China and blah, blah, blah. Well, some day I would read them all. So they are all piling up. My so-called bed-side table for skimming at night; has already become a mountain of magazines. I have subscribed to, god only knows, how many magazines. In fact, now when I go to bookshop, I feel I have more books than they have! Phew! But I appreciate the fact that I have imbibed the habit of reading from my Brother, and writing has come naturally to me through my mum.

For him it is difficult to believe that his little sister has grown up and for me it is going to be very, very tough to leave the family, which has been a constant source of unconditional love. Can you believe it; I almost cried writing all these. I know it is going to be very, very difficult! I don’t know how every one does it?